Life is so messed up, I just recalled one of the best times I ever had with my Dad. I don’t recall how old I was or any of that but I do recall being at a fair in the fall. My Dad played a few games trying to win me a stuffed animal. I eventually told him I don’t want one and we should just look at the exhibits that were there. I guess I’m a little weird in that aspect, I really never enjoyed the rides. I don’t recall why I ever forgot this memory and it’s messed up that our brain can do that from time to time. I’m thankful I have it back.
I’m having the worst time of my life right now. I have people lying about me and spreading rumors of things I never did. Most of my friends are on my side about it and all my family is behind me. That helps but I feel like some people just don’t believe me when I’m out in public. The worst part is that I shouldn’t care what they think, I don’t know them. It’s a hard thing to tell yourself every day, you really can’t help but feel this way. It’s made me want to just sit at home and not do anything. It’s driving me nuts, I’m getting help from a psychiatrist and a therapist. I just never would have thought this kinda thing would happen and it’s really brought me to my knees. I’m back in church, I’m reading the bible every day, and I’m losing weight by walking. I’m disabled so I really can’t-do more than walk slowly and I can’t make it very far either. I take life one day at a time and try to do the things I know I’ll miss when I’m gone so I’m making the best out of what I have left. If you find yourself in this situation, get help. It doesn’t work at first, or that’s how it feels but give it time. After a few visits, you’ll notice a change in your life and in the way you see the world. It’s working for me but I have a long way to go. What was done to me I’ll not talk about but it’s the lowest thing that’s ever happened to me. If not for friends, family, and my loving wife I don’t think I could have made it this far without breaking down and being in a mental hospital. Let’s just say that I’m thankful some people have chosen to leave my life, I’m so much better off without them in my life. It did take me a while to see that but then love does die slow and painful.
Rape is a really disgusting weapon, it kills you repeatedly. You can’t do it on your own, you must seek help. It’s not your fault this happened, they don’t have any power over you. I know how you feel, I’m going through it myself. I’m starting to accept that I’ll never be the same but I also know that I can’t go back to the way I was before. You never will be the same after, I turned to God and now I don’t curse and I’m in a church as often as possible. How you deal with it, whatever you do to heal as long as it’s not harmful to you or anyone else is a good thing. You can’t let it go and at some point in your life, it will come back up. However you get help, talking to people, a therapist or any other way is going to make it better. Take your time, get it right, it all must come out so you can better deal with it. Get all of your feelings out and be truthful about it. Hiding it or holding back is self-harming. I know you can’t trust right now, I know you feel dirty, I know you can’t breathe but people can be trusted. People do want to help, it may not seem like it right now but it’s the truth. Only you know how to heal you so slowly let someone in and talks about it. A professional will help better than most, they make you see who you really are not what this weapon did to you. You’re a good person and deserve to be happy and have a good life. Get help as soon as you can, there are free places to get help, just use google and find a place to go to. Love yourself and believe me, you are loved.
God gives strength to those that are weak, I’m strong enough to die. God gives comfort to those that are able to forgive, I forgive everyone and myself. God forgives if you’re able to admit your wrong, I’m sorry for everything against God and man. God gives life to those that can find him, Everything in my life I cherish for God is in everything. Never count on your next day, thank God for today because you may be gone tomorrow. As my granddad said the day before he died pointing to the sky and barely getting the words out, I’m ready to go home. Craig McNeil
I’m recovering from a heart attack and not expecting to work on the web sites or the blog for a while. Recovery time is expected to be 3 to 6 months.
If you’re one of the sites that insist upon using software to block ad block users I will not view your site. In today’s society, we are targeted so much that it is an annoyance to everyone. I can understand that as a company you have to advertise and make money, however, that does not give you the right to force ads upon us in such a manner that it becomes a chore to actually view your site. Web sites that do not block ad block users usually don’t have very many ads at all on their site. Sites that insist upon you turning off your ad block are going to force so many ads upon you that it’s going to be impossible for you to read the article or view the documents in a cohesive manner. Some websites need to understand this and either scaled-down their ads or allow the use of add block. The problem lies in that these companies are so money hungry that they will force ads upon you and not care whether it’s readable or not. If you insist upon blocking my add block I will not use your site! I suggest that you as a company find a better way to make money or only put a few ads up at a time because you were making your website obnoxious and totally without Substance.This is not the ramblings of just one person, there is a mass of people that feel the same way and we are growing day by day in numbers. Take heed and scale back your ads.
WannaCry WormNSA did it again and this time you need to pay attention! Please, if you use a computer at all, please watch this video and read the article linked or search them yourself. Don’t sit back and get hit by this and lose all your data.
Well, the first stream that I did didn’t go as good as I was hoping. The first thing that one person said was that I sound like I’m high or drunk, he was mostly right. I was not high on the illegal drugs but rather my pain pills that I can’t live without. I don’t drink so the part about me being drunk was wrong but some high-level pills can make you feel that way and also sound that way. I really would like to get off of the med’s but that’s not going to happen. They really mess with your entire life, such as mental facilities, sleeping habits, and things like this. Another guy said that I am a little slow my progression in the game from taking so long to read objectives and taking shots. He’s not wrong either but I’m not able to change that. I thank he’s the same one who said he heard me moving around a lot but if it’s him or another person doesn’t matter. He is right on that as well, I can’t stay sedentary for long at all. I tend to move ever 5 minutes or so to help lessen the pain. I’m proud that I had 5 people show up for my first stream but also I’m sad as I really don’t thank many people are going to watch a person move as slow as me in a fast paste first person shooter.
Game I was playing, Tom Clancy’s Ghost recon Wildlands
It’s looking like I’ll never get things going here. I’ve lost a few family members in the last month, 3 to be exact and it’s taking its toll on me. I’ve not given up but I have been set back, depression is getting to me and my pancreas is acting up once again. If it’s not one thing it’s the other. As far as the website and blog site goes, I own them until my demise or 2019. I’m not sure if I’ll post up until my death or not. My wife has instructions on how to shut everything down and take all my sites offline. I’m not planning on going anytime soon but I’ve been told to be ready and have things in order so this is part of that. When I feel I can handle it I will get back to posting and working on the sites. Good luck and I hope to be writing again soon.
Here is some info on my conditions.
I have chronic pancreatitis and neuropathy in my lower back starting at L5 S1. That just means that my nerves are dying from my waist down, I’m in pain 24-7 and getting sleep is hard for me. Concentration is very hard as well.
I hate when this happens, for days now without any sleep to matter. The weather keeps changing so I get no sleep, I wish I knew what caused this to happen. If I could find out why the weather makes it so I can’t sleep I might be able to stop it and get sleep once again. The number one reason I hate not getting any sleep is that my days run together into what I call cartoon world. Everything seems normal at first then you realize you can’t recall what happened the night before.