Rape is a really disgusting weapon, it kills you repeatedly. You can’t do it on your own, you must seek help. It’s not your fault this happened, they don’t have any power over you. I know how you feel, I’m going through it myself. I’m starting to accept that I’ll never be the same but I also know that I can’t go back to the way I was before. You never will be the same after, I turned to God and now I don’t curse and I’m in a church as often as possible. How you deal with it, whatever you do to heal as long as it’s not harmful to you or anyone else is a good thing. You can’t let it go and at some point in your life, it will come back up. However you get help, talking to people, a therapist or any other way is going to make it better. Take your time, get it right, it all must come out so you can better deal with it. Get all of your feelings out and be truthful about it. Hiding it or holding back is self-harming. I know you can’t trust right now, I know you feel dirty, I know you can’t breathe but people can be trusted. People do want to help, it may not seem like it right now but it’s the truth. Only you know how to heal you so slowly let someone in and talks about it. A professional will help better than most, they make you see who you really are not what this weapon did to you. You’re a good person and deserve to be happy and have a good life. Get help as soon as you can, there are free places to get help, just use google and find a place to go to. Love yourself and believe me, you are loved.