Life is so messed up, I just recalled one of the best times I ever had with my Dad. I don’t recall how old I was or any of that but I do recall being at a fair in the fall. My Dad played a few games trying to win me a stuffed animal. I eventually told him I don’t want one and we should just look at the exhibits that were there. I guess I’m a little weird in that aspect, I really never enjoyed the rides. I don’t recall why I ever forgot this memory and it’s messed up that our brain can do that from time to time. I’m thankful I have it back.
I’m having the worst time of my life right now. I have people lying about me and spreading rumors of things I never did. Most of my friends are on my side about it and all my family is behind me. That helps but I feel like some people just don’t believe me when I’m out in public. The worst part is that I shouldn’t care what they think, I don’t know them. It’s a hard thing to tell yourself every day, you really can’t help but feel this way. It’s made me want to just sit at home and not do anything. It’s driving me nuts, I’m getting help from a psychiatrist and a therapist. I just never would have thought this kinda thing would happen and it’s really brought me to my knees. I’m back in church, I’m reading the bible every day, and I’m losing weight by walking. I’m disabled so I really can’t-do more than walk slowly and I can’t make it very far either. I take life one day at a time and try to do the things I know I’ll miss when I’m gone so I’m making the best out of what I have left. If you find yourself in this situation, get help. It doesn’t work at first, or that’s how it feels but give it time. After a few visits, you’ll notice a change in your life and in the way you see the world. It’s working for me but I have a long way to go. What was done to me I’ll not talk about but it’s the lowest thing that’s ever happened to me. If not for friends, family, and my loving wife I don’t think I could have made it this far without breaking down and being in a mental hospital. Let’s just say that I’m thankful some people have chosen to leave my life, I’m so much better off without them in my life. It did take me a while to see that but then love does die slow and painful.
Rape is a really disgusting weapon, it kills you repeatedly. You can’t do it on your own, you must seek help. It’s not your fault this happened, they don’t have any power over you. I know how you feel, I’m going through it myself. I’m starting to accept that I’ll never be the same but I also know that I can’t go back to the way I was before. You never will be the same after, I turned to God and now I don’t curse and I’m in a church as often as possible. How you deal with it, whatever you do to heal as long as it’s not harmful to you or anyone else is a good thing. You can’t let it go and at some point in your life, it will come back up. However you get help, talking to people, a therapist or any other way is going to make it better. Take your time, get it right, it all must come out so you can better deal with it. Get all of your feelings out and be truthful about it. Hiding it or holding back is self-harming. I know you can’t trust right now, I know you feel dirty, I know you can’t breathe but people can be trusted. People do want to help, it may not seem like it right now but it’s the truth. Only you know how to heal you so slowly let someone in and talks about it. A professional will help better than most, they make you see who you really are not what this weapon did to you. You’re a good person and deserve to be happy and have a good life. Get help as soon as you can, there are free places to get help, just use google and find a place to go to. Love yourself and believe me, you are loved.